Guys Who Don’t Put It Down, Don’t Go Down

3090__the_war_of_the_roses_1989movie_SCARY PREDICTION: In 2019, the American Sociological Association’s prestigious Best Dissertation Award will go to a PhD dissertation entitled: “Guys Who Don’t Put It Down, Don’t Go Down: An Analysis of the High Correlation Between Men Who Refuse to Put the Toilet Seat Down After They Pee and Men Who Refuse to Perform Oral Sex After They Cum” (2019). An article summarizing the study’s findings will be published in the Spring 2020 edition of The Journal of Incredibly Obvious Results. Men’s rights organizations, like A Voice for Men, will immediately question the study’s methodology. Barbara Kay will claim in a National Post editorial that the very existence of this study is further proof of something she’s been saying for years: namely, that we live in a misandric society. Meanwhile, in Montreal, after hearing about the study’s findings on the clock-radio in his bedroom, our Prime Minister will smile, shake his head in agreement, and head south.

—John Faithful Hamer, The Myth of the Fuckbuddy (2016)

About John Faithful Hamer

John Faithful Hamer is a college professor who still can't swim, drive, or pay his bills on time. His sense of direction is notoriously unreliable, yet he'd love to tell you where to go. His lack of practical skills is astounding, and his inability to fix things is renowned, yet he'd love to tell you what to do. His mismanagement of time is legendary, as is his inability to remember appointments, yet he fancies himself a philosopher and would love to tell you how to live. He wouldn't survive in a state of nature, of that we can be sure; but he's doing quite well in the big city, which has always been a refuge for the ridiculous, a haven for the helpless, and a friend to the frivolous.

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