107rw5According to some top-secret documents made public by WikiLeaks, Monsanto intends to trademark the word “Amen” when they’re done patenting life. Religious groups the world over have expressed outrage. FleishmanHillard, the PR firm which represents Monsanto’s interests in Canada, has thus far declined to comment. But one Monsanto executive agreed to speak to us, off the record, in the Whole Foods Market where he does his grocery shopping: “Look, it’s not like we’re saying religious people can’t go on using the word “Amen” in their prayers and stuff. We’re merely asking that they respect our intellectual property rights. They really don’t have anything to fear: I mean, like, you know, our rates are going to be very reasonable. I just don’t see why people are so freaked about this. I mean, for god’s sake, it’s not such a big deal.”

—John Faithful Hamer, The Goldfish (2017)

About John Faithful Hamer

John Faithful Hamer is a college professor who still can't swim, drive, or pay his bills on time. His sense of direction is notoriously unreliable, yet he'd love to tell you where to go. His lack of practical skills is astounding, and his inability to fix things is renowned, yet he'd love to tell you what to do. His mismanagement of time is legendary, as is his inability to remember appointments, yet he fancies himself a philosopher and would love to tell you how to live. He wouldn't survive in a state of nature, of that we can be sure; but he's doing quite well in the big city, which has always been a refuge for the ridiculous, a haven for the helpless, and a friend to the frivolous.

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