Mitch Saves Montreal

123wc6Then Mitch stood before the Angry Sky who liveth atop Mount Royal, drew near, and said, “Wilt thou indeed destroy the righteous with the wicked because of our recent election results? Suppose there are fifty righteous dudes within the city of Montreal; wilt thou then destroy the place and not spare it for the fifty righteous dudes who are in it? Far be it from thee to do such a thing, to slay the righteous dudes with the wicked, so that the righteous dudes fare as the wicked! Far be that from thee! Shall not the Judge of all the bagels and baguettes in the universe do right?” And the LORD said, “If I find at Montreal fifty righteous dudes in the city, I will spare the whole sinful place for their sake.” Mitch answered, “Behold, I have taken upon myself to speak to the Biggest Bad Ass in the land, I who am but dust and ashes and far too much poutine. Suppose five of the fifty righteous dudes are lacking? Wilt thou destroy Sin City for lack of five?” And he said, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five there.” Again he spoke to him, and said, “Suppose a hot sociology professor who’s recently turned forty is found there.” He answered, “For the sake of that hot prof I will not do it.” Then he said, “Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak. Suppose thirty people with really cool tattoos are found there.” He answered, “I will not do it, if I find thirty people with really cool tattoos there.” He said, “Behold, I have taken upon myself to speak to The Angry Sky God on Mount Royal. Suppose twenty people with really great dreads are found there.” He answered, “For the sake of twenty people with really great dreads I will not destroy Sin City.” Then he said, “Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak again but this once. Suppose ten are found there who’ve actually read all of James Joyce’s Ulysses.” He answered, “For the sake of ten who’ve actually read Ulysses I will not destroy it.” And the LORD went his way, when he had finished speaking to Mitch; and Mitch went to Else’s.—Genesis 18:22½-33½ (King John Version)

—John Faithful Hamer, The Goldfish (2016)

About John Faithful Hamer

John Faithful Hamer is a college professor who still can't swim, drive, or pay his bills on time. His sense of direction is notoriously unreliable, yet he'd love to tell you where to go. His lack of practical skills is astounding, and his inability to fix things is renowned, yet he'd love to tell you what to do. His mismanagement of time is legendary, as is his inability to remember appointments, yet he fancies himself a philosopher and would love to tell you how to live. He wouldn't survive in a state of nature, of that we can be sure; but he's doing quite well in the big city, which has always been a refuge for the ridiculous, a haven for the helpless, and a friend to the frivolous.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s