Everybody Finds What They’re Looking For On The Mountain


A tiger swallowtail floats down from heaven to drink from the edge of a stream; and that amazing man with the voice of a god bellows: “Pepsi, 7-Up, Gatorade, coooooooooold water.” Because everybody’s looking for something on the mountain today: German tourists looking for The Cross, Koreans looking for The Lookout, Mexicans looking for raccoons, Brits looking for the loo, Americans looking for their car, teenagers looking cool, fat guys looking hot, students looking for weed, joggers looking for their best time, photographers looking for the perfect shot, stoners looking for misplaced keys, squirrels looking for misplaced nuts, hawks looking for misplaced squirrels, shirtless guys looking ripped, topless women looking deliciously defiant, rookie drummers looking for the beat, and amorous tamtammers looking for a little privacy in the woods. Everybody, it seems, finds what they’re looking for on the mountain.

—John Faithful Hamer, The Myth of the Fuckbuddy (2016)

About John Faithful Hamer

John Faithful Hamer is a college professor who still can't swim, drive, or pay his bills on time. His sense of direction is notoriously unreliable, yet he'd love to tell you where to go. His lack of practical skills is astounding, and his inability to fix things is renowned, yet he'd love to tell you what to do. His mismanagement of time is legendary, as is his inability to remember appointments, yet he fancies himself a philosopher and would love to tell you how to live. He wouldn't survive in a state of nature, of that we can be sure; but he's doing quite well in the big city, which has always been a refuge for the ridiculous, a haven for the helpless, and a friend to the frivolous.

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