Déjà Vu: Why Trump vs. Clinton was Tyson vs. Holyfield All Over Again

holyfield_vs_tyson_i_posterDonald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton (September 26, 2016) was Mike Tyson vs. Evander Holyfield (November 9, 1996) all over again. Like Tyson, Trump is a ferocious bulldog who comes out very strong, hits extremely hard, blows his wad early, and knocks people out fast. Like Holyfield, Clinton studied her opponent’s style intensively, figured out his weaknesses, and exploited them splendidly.

Trump came out fast and landed a few solid punches. But Clinton was thoroughly unintimidated. Indeed, her bemused expression and sardonic smile seemed to vacillate between: “Is that all ya got, big boy?” and “Ah, did wittle Donnie miss his nap today?”

Like Holyfield, Clinton let her explosive opponent tire himself out in the first 20 minutes of the fight; then, when his exhaustion and frustration started to show, Clinton started hammering him with counterpunches: “I call it trumped-up trickle-down” (BOOM!); “Donald thinks that climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese” (BOOM!); “I think science is real” (BOOM!).

Clinton fired off a right cross that stunned him and drove him into the ropes: “Well, Donald, I know you live in your own reality” (BOOM!). She then proceeded to sting him with one hard combination after another: “at least I have a plan to fight ISIS” (BOOM!); “why won’t he release his tax returns?” (BOOM!); “maybe he’s not as rich as he says he is” (BOOM!).

When Lester Holt, the moderator, turned to the subject of race, Trump found himself thoroughly outboxed by Clinton: “He tried to put the whole racist birther lie to bed, but it can’t be dismissed that easily” (BOOM!); “he has really started his political activity based on this racist lie that our first black president was not an American citizen” (BOOM!); “there was absolutely no evidence for it, but he persisted, he persisted year after year” (BOOM!); “Barack Obama went high, despite Donald Trump’s best efforts to bring him down” (BOOM!).

Trump managed to land a fierce combination on Clinton’s email scandal, his best of the match, but she did not stagger, nor did she become defensive. Instead, with remarkable dignity and grace, Clinton apologized and moved on, thoroughly unfazed. At this point, Trump began throwing wild punches that made no sense whatsoever: “I have a son. He’s 10 years old. He has computers. He is so good with these computers” (WTF?).

Just when it looked like Trump might recover, Clinton threw him off his game yet again with a brilliant jab: “Donald supported the invasion of Iraq” (BOOM!); followed by an uppercut that drew blood—“just listen to what you heard” (BOOM!)—and a body blow that left him visibly winded, staggering across the ring: “a man who can be provoked by a tweet should not have his fingers anywhere near the nuclear codes” (BOOM!). Clinton then chased him into the ropes and landed the coup de grâce: “he called this woman ‘Miss Piggy.’ Then he called her ‘Miss Housekeeping,’ because she was Latina. Donald, she has a name. . . . Her name is Alicia Machado. . . . And she has become a U.S. citizen, and you can bet . . . she’s going to vote this November” (BOOM!).

—John Faithful Hamer, The Myth of the Fuckbuddy (2016)

About John Faithful Hamer

John Faithful Hamer is a college professor who still can't swim, drive, or pay his bills on time. His sense of direction is notoriously unreliable, yet he'd love to tell you where to go. His lack of practical skills is astounding, and his inability to fix things is renowned, yet he'd love to tell you what to do. His mismanagement of time is legendary, as is his inability to remember appointments, yet he fancies himself a philosopher and would love to tell you how to live. He wouldn't survive in a state of nature, of that we can be sure; but he's doing quite well in the big city, which has always been a refuge for the ridiculous, a haven for the helpless, and a friend to the frivolous.

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