1. Laughter is the best medicine. Although maybe for erectile dysfunction, not so much.
2. It’s always stressful introducing a new girlfriend to the family. The last time I did it, my wife lost her shit.
3. Why is Earth Day once a year and Garbage Day twice a week?
4. I wonder if my wife is sexually frustrated. And a small part of me says “Maybe she is”.
5. I used to be a mime but I got fired. I think it was something I said.
6. Whenever someone says “We need to talk” what they really means is “I need to talk to you. You need to shut up and listen.”
7. I saw a poll where they asked a thousand randomly selected American women, “Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?” Fifteen percent said, “Not again!”
8. I had a job interview the other day. The HR puke opened up with “Tell me about yourself.” I told him “I don’t think I will. This time, I actually want the job.”
9. I have a hard time taking the guys I work with seriously when they get all excited about beer after work. Beer is what I drink when I’m trying to sober up.
10. Going to the local community clinic today for a routine renewal of my Ventolin prescription. I need to bring in my paycheck to prove I qualify for charity.
11. Trust is not a transitive property. A friend of a friend of a friend is a stranger.
12. I get no respect. No respect at all. My GPS just said “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”
13. Actual conversation at the Hechtman household: Wife: “I finally understood why you never fucked a French girl. You talk women into bed. That’s what you do. That’s why you couldn’t do it to them.” Me: “Yeah, pretty much. I mean what the fuck was I supposed to do? Put on feathers and do a mating dance?”
14. I want my remains to be scattered on my mother’s flower garden. I just don’t want to be cremated first.
15. During the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Jim Carville wrote a take-down book about Ken Starr. He knew he couldn’t get family-oriented chain stores like Chapters or Barnes & Noble to carry his book if he called it Fuck Ken Starr. So instead of that, he used the title And The Horse He Rode In On (1998). Obscenity is in the mind of the beholder.
16. Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns. He emailed them to Hillary Clinton.
17. I heard Justin Trudeau just opened a Chinese restaurant. You eat there and an hour later you’re hungry for absolute power.
18. Email exists to combine the worst feature of the telephone with the worst feature of print.
19. Facebook is internet porn for your social life.
20. Blogs are for people who don’t have anybody to listen to them at home.
21. I belong to no organized political party. I’m a New Democrat.
22. I was reading about a minor figure in Spanish history, the half-brother of Queen Isabella and previous king of Castile, Henry IV, also known as King Henry the Impotent. You’d think if you were a medieval king, the very least you could do would be to make people stop calling you “the impotent” in public. Otherwise, it’s not much good to be the king, is it?
23. Life in Nebraska (S01E13): I was nodding off in class tonight and the professor asks me why. I tell him I’m just tired and he says (with perfect deadpan timing and delivery), “Take meth.”
24. My mother-in-law just drove halfway across the country to celebrate her son graduating from the Air Force Academy and becoming qualified to drop napalm on women and children but she won’t let him share a motel room with his girlfriend because that would be immoral.
25. Someone at the Library of Congress has a sense of humor. The code that prefixes all versions of the Bible is BS.
26. My current bathroom reading is this cheesy sniper-porn shoot-’em-up set in Cuba in 1953. There’s one line I quite like and I’m going to steal it. After the young Fidel Castro leads the disastrous attack on the Moncada Barracks, his Comintern handler tells him “Don’t worry. Later on, you can order the historians to write it up as a glorious victory. If they refuse, you can shoot them and find new historians.”
27. I don’t believe in speaking truth to power. Power already knows the truth. It just doesn’t care.
28. On December 7, 1941, the Japanese Navy executed a preemptive strike on a nation engaged in developing weapons of mass destruction.
29. I’m going to my grandmother’s birthday party tonight. It sucks to be her. The only thing worse than having your birthday on Christmas is having your birthday on Buy Nothing Day.
30. I’ve decided to take up bungee jumping. A broken rubber is the reason I was born. What are the chances it’ll also be the reason I die?
31. It was so cold today that the flasher hanging around the schoolyard was just describing himself.
32. Anybody who does cavity searches for a living doesn’t get to complain about their own privacy being violated.
33. If I complain about transfer speed from a third-world website, is that still a first-world problem?
34. There’s something a little bit obscene about burning five full tanks of gasoline just to put in a personal appearance at a pipeline protest. I’m still going, don’t get me wrong, but I just want to be clear that the irony isn’t lost on me. Somehow it never is.
35. A friend’s post suggested a creative new way of disciplining children. Apparently, I should gift-wrap a bunch of empty boxes and when the children misbehave or don’t listen, I should throw one in the fire. Sounds like a great idea. Can’t wait to try it with one of Wendy’s kids. Even if the little fucker manages to crawl out of the fire, he’ll never throw another tantrum again as long as he lives, tell you that much. One thing I can’t figure out though. What do I need the gift-wrapped empty boxes for?
36. How in the fuck did all these other people die this year and yet Keith Richards is still alive?
37. Consciousness is vastly overrated compared to the lack thereof.
38. Got next year’s Halloween costume already picked out. I need a big-brim hat, the male version of fuck-me boots and a light-saber. I’m going to be Darthagnan.
39. If the politicians don’t trust the people, they need to dissolve them and elect a new people.