1. Laughter is the best medicine. Although maybe for erectile dysfunction, not so much.
2. It’s always stressful introducing a new girlfriend to the family. The last time I did it, my wife lost her shit.
3. Why is Earth Day once a year and Garbage Day twice a week?
4. I wonder if my wife is sexually frustrated. And a small part of me says “Maybe she is”.
5. I used to be a mime but I got fired. I think it was something I said.
6. Whenever someone says “We need to talk” what they really means is “I need to talk to you. You need to shut up and listen.”
7. I saw a poll where they asked a thousand randomly selected American women, “Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?” Fifteen percent said, “Not again!”
8. I had a job interview the other day. The HR puke opened up with “Tell me about yourself.” I told him “I don’t think I will. This time, I actually want the job.”
9. Behind every silver lining, there’s a dark cloud!
10. Going to the local community clinic today for a routine renewal of my Ventolin prescription. I need to bring in my paycheck to prove I qualify for charity.
11. Trust is not a transitive property. A friend of a friend of a friend is a stranger.
12. I get no respect. No respect at all. My GPS just said “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”
13. Actual conversation at the Hechtman household: Me: “Honey, could I ask you not to put the fruit juice bottle full of used cooking oil in the fridge right next to the fruit juice bottles full of fruit juice? As you know, I am drunk a lot of the time and as a result I don’t always pay close attention to these things the way I should.” Her: “Yeah, OK, I could do that.”
14. I want my remains to be scattered on my mother’s flower garden. I just don’t want to be cremated first.
15. During the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Jim Carville wrote a take-down book about Ken Starr. He knew he couldn’t get family-oriented chain stores like Chapters or Barnes & Noble to carry his book if he called it Fuck Ken Starr. So instead of that, he used the title And The Horse He Rode In On (1998). Obscenity is in the mind of the beholder.
16. Donald Trump has finally released his tax returns. He emailed them to Hillary Clinton.
17. I heard Justin Trudeau just opened a Chinese restaurant. You eat there and an hour later you’re hungry for absolute power.
18. Email exists to combine the worst feature of the telephone with the worst feature of print.
19. Facebook is internet porn for your social life.
20. Blogs are for people who don’t have anybody to listen to them at home.
21. I belong to no organized political party. I’m a New Democrat.
22. I was reading about a minor figure in Spanish history, the half-brother of Queen Isabella and previous king of Castile, Henry IV, also known as King Henry the Impotent. You’d think if you were a medieval king, the very least you could do would be to make people stop calling you “the impotent” in public. Otherwise, it’s not much good to be the king, is it?
23. Life in Nebraska (S01E13): I was nodding off in class tonight and the professor asks me why. I tell him I’m just tired and he says (with perfect deadpan timing and delivery), “Take meth.”
24. My mother-in-law just drove halfway across the country to celebrate her son graduating from the Air Force Academy and becoming qualified to drop napalm on women and children but she won’t let him share a motel room with his girlfriend because that would be immoral.
25. Kids Say the Darndest Things (S03E08): Wendy and 6 year old son Charles are cleaning out a friend’s whorehouse so he can repurpose it as an Airbnb rental. The kid fills his pockets with random small items he finds on the floor, because that’s what kids do. Later that day, he’s at home examining his finds. “Mommy? Why did your friend have ping-pong balls when he didn’t have a ping-pong table in his house?” “Well, Charles . . . You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much . . . OK, no, that’s not quite it . . . When a man pays a woman to love him very much . . . Ahhh, never mind! You’ll understand when you’re older!”
26. Someone at the Library of Congress has a sense of humor. The code that prefixes all versions of the Bible is BS.
27. My current bathroom reading is this cheesy sniper-porn shoot-’em-up set in Cuba in 1953. There’s one line I quite like and I’m going to steal it. After the young Fidel Castro leads the disastrous attack on the Moncada Barracks, his Comintern handler tells him “Don’t worry. Later on, you can order the historians to write it up as a glorious victory. If they refuse, you can shoot them and find new historians.”
28. I don’t believe in speaking truth to power. Power already knows the truth. It just doesn’t care.
29. On December 7, 1941, the Japanese Navy executed a preemptive strike on a nation engaged in developing weapons of mass destruction.
30. I’m going to my grandmother’s birthday party tonight. It sucks to be her. The only thing worse than having your birthday on Christmas is having your birthday on Buy Nothing Day.
31. So these two baby seals walk into a club . . .
32. Someone remind me why I still live in Montreal? Is it the good weather, the low taxes, the high paying jobs or the stable political situation?
33. It’s so cold today the flasher hanging around the schoolyard was just describing himself.
34. Anybody who does cavity searches for a living doesn’t get to complain about their own privacy being violated.
35. If I complain about transfer speed from a third-world website, is that still a first-world problem?