“Enoch walked faithfully with God; and then he was no more, because God took him away.”—Genesis 5:24

The shockingly well-preserved body of an Iron Age man—found last year, on April 1st, in a bog between the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers—has been positively identified as the famous biblical patriarch Enoch. In a forthcoming article in the well-respected science journal Nature, Dr. U. R. Naive of Lincoln, Nebraska, lead researcher on the project, described the DNA evidence as “conclusive.” According to local legend, Enoch, father to Methuselah (who lived to the ripe old age of 969), was beamed up—Star Trek style—into heaven by God at the age of 365; however, it now appears that he may have merely tripped and fallen into a swamp. Dr. Dwight I. M. Credulous—curator of the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky—assured us that the museum’s “fair and balanced” crime scene investigators—guided by the strict standards of science, as opposed to secular liberal bias—would be able to disprove these “absurd and godless claims” before the end of the week. Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris were unavailable for comment.

—John Faithful Hamer