Green Side Up

“That which doesn’t kill you gives you a new nickname.”—Sean Rutledge

grass-sod-laying-college-stationI had a landscaping gig for awhile when I was in my late teens and early twenties. The pay was shit but the work was strangely satisfying and the boss was super cool. His name was Mike and he knew we all partied far too much. He didn’t mind if you showed up for work hungover once in awhile, so long as you were upfront and honest about it. If you came to Mike at the beginning of your shift and said you were hungover he’d keep you away from the heavy machinery for the day, and give you some ridiculously easy task, like rolling out sods of grass. But even this proved too much to bear for one dazed and confused dude. Guy actually rolled out an entire front lawn’s worth of grass sod brown-side up. Poor guy still hasn’t lived it down. It became a running joke. The stuff of legend. A constant refrain. After detailing the day’s work, Mike would invariably conclude with: “Now, remember, guys: Green. Side. Up.”

—John Faithful Hamer, The Myth of the Fuckbuddy (2017)

About John Faithful Hamer

John Faithful Hamer is a college professor who still can't swim, drive, or pay his bills on time. His sense of direction is notoriously unreliable, yet he'd love to tell you where to go. His lack of practical skills is astounding, and his inability to fix things is renowned, yet he'd love to tell you what to do. His mismanagement of time is legendary, as is his inability to remember appointments, yet he fancies himself a philosopher and would love to tell you how to live. He wouldn't survive in a state of nature, of that we can be sure; but he's doing quite well in the big city, which has always been a refuge for the ridiculous, a haven for the helpless, and a friend to the frivolous.

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