alternative-factsConfused about the breathless turns and twists that leave you wondering which way is up when reporters try to ask Kellyanne Conway critical (any) questions about Trump?  We’re here to help.  Consider this your guide to the Conway spin machine:

Interviewer:  Welcome, congratulations, you are something amazing/gender related and unprecedented.

Kellyanne (smiling): Thank you, it’s a pleasure to be here BUT more importantly to be part of something so awesome related to how awesome Trump is and how unprecedented/history-defining he is.

Interviewer:  Yes, well let’s get to that since you mentioned it.  Today, Trump tweeted this outrageous/untrue thing that clearly contradicts the real world, as proven by these facts [insert inauguration crowd size and other popularity related threats or payment for the wall and other policy promise threats here].  Is this shit real?

Kellyanne:  Yes, let’s talk about that.  And yes, he’s our President, his shit is real.  But let me tell what it really signifies and what’s really going on here and why it’s so annoying that you are asking me that question……..Obama!   And Hillary!   And the Democrats!  And did I mention how he is so popular….

Interviewer:  Yes, but….

Kellyanne:  No, no, no….because this is what we need to talk about—how popular he is and how everyone loves him and how everyone hates the Democrats and Obama and all the terrible things they did…..

Interviewer:  AHEM, yes but that’s not what I asked.  That’s got nothing to do with it—that’s not what I asked, what I want to know is….

Kellyanne:  Of course it is!  It’s exactly what this is all about.   It’s all about how unfair you [the press] have been to him…

Interviewer:  But he said….

Kellyanne:  Yes, I know he said, but what he means is something glorious and wonderful for the American people.  All of the American people.  He is going to make America [insert good feeling adjective here] again.  But YOU don’t want to talk about what’s in his heart or what he really meant when he said untrue/outrageous thing and you don’t want to tell the REAL story of that because you are all biased against him.  The real problem here is the media and your obsession with the facts. Why do you keep asking about them when you can just tell the story of how awesome he is?

Interviewer:  Well, you still haven’t answered….

Kellyanne:  Yes, yes, I have, you just keep wanted to dwell on it, when YOU (the media) have said this untrue thing/this inaccurate thing and reported on this unflattering thing when you should be talking about this other issue with these other facts and this other issue with these other facts and this other issue with these other facts and how you didn’t cover this thing and this other thing and how you didn’t even ask the Democrats or Chuck Schumer about this—who are, by the way, being really unfair to Trump.  The media have been so unfair and should be better about respecting how popular and awesome and amazing he is; I mean, you should all just get out of the way and show more deference to him, considering how much he gets the people and how much you are all a bunch of elite snobs who are so obsessed with truth and facts and this and that and latest outrageous thing he has said instead of covering ALLLLLLL of the issues I mentioned, plus…….

Interviewer: Okay, well I did cover that and we did talk about that and we did report on this issue you mentioned….

Kellyanne:  Yeah?  No, I didn’t hear about it.  You are all just so biased and are out to get him and this obsession with fact-checking and this and that twitter feud/thing he said and asking about this issue when he says “believe me”, like you want details or something.  The details will come—you should just shut up and believe him.  Because did I mention yet how you were all wrong about Hillary?  And, Obama!  And the Democrats! Why don’t you ask the Democrats who suck and are so unfair too and are getting in the way, why don’t you talk to them and ask them why they won’t let him get his way on absolutely everything?

Interviewer:  Well, I am going to talk to [insert Democrat here] later and ask them that question, but let’s get back to….

Kellyanne:  Well, good.  Maybe you can ask about how they suck in this way and how they are to blame for everything bad in the world which now Trump is going to fix.  You know, what you don’t want to admit is that this election wasn’t about facts–people don’t care about the facts of what he said and whether their true and what promises he made or about the details, like how that wall is going to get paid for.  They care about how he’s going to make everything great for them again, like their tax returns and their safety and their jobs and everything and he’s already done that in his first week.  Don’t you see how busy he is and how may orders he’s signed and how many pens he’s given away?

Interviewer:  Well, there have been massive protests and the President of Mexico cancelled his trip…

Kellyanne:  No, no, so much just isn’t true because you covered it this way and didn’t cover these other awesome events and you didn’t pay attention to twitter, so he’s just not getting the benefit the doubt with the people because of you which is, you know, demoralizing and making it difficult for him to enjoy signing all of those executive orders and being President and…

Interviewer:  Well, I guess we are out of time and will have to leave it there.  Thanks, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne (smiling):  Why, thank you.  See you next time.

—Anna-Liisa Aunio