On one occasion, Patty Patriotic, an expert in the conservative law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” she asked, “what are the politics of a patriotic American likely to be?”

“What do patriotic Americans do?” replied Jesus.

Patty answered, “They don’t prioritize themselves, nor do they prioritize their identity group; patriotic Americans prioritize their fellow Americans and the idea of America above all else.”

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will be a really patriotic American.”

But Patty wanted to justify herself, so she asked Jesus, “Really patriotic Americans probably vote like me, right?”

In reply Jesus said: “A Gulf War vet was going down from Boston to Baltimore, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A Fox News shock-jock, in a Hummer with a Support Our Troops sticker on it, happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a trucker in a MAGA hat, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a progressive professor in a Prius, as she traveled, came where the man was; and when she saw him, she took pity on him. She went to him and bandaged his wounds. Then she laid him to rest in the back of her Prius, brought him to a hospital, and sat by his bedside until he regained consciousness. The next day she paid all of the man’s medical bills. Which of these three do you think was a really patriotic American to the Gulf War vet who fell into the hands of robbers? The shock-jock, the trucker, or the professor?”

Patty reluctantly replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Jesus told her, “Go and do likewise.”

—John Faithful Hamer, Welcome to Likeville (2018)